my table
lately ive been encouraged to "enjoy my own time". this is interesting to me because, i already enjoy my own time. i don't have a souring opinion of myself, and i know what i enjoy. i like tinkering with things, watching tech talks / lectures, reading textbooks, etc.
i feel like ive been prompted for this so much that i must visually illustrate how i operate. i typically visualize my enjoyment as a table. the table can have N legs and when all of those legs stand rigid, fun can ensue.
i like this visualization because if a table is missing a leg, it's wobbly. it'll fall over. and in my case, the gold bar of fun falls. this is what i mean when i say it's difficult to enjoy my own time (which is the fun in this context.)
during high school, my table was as illustrated. career (professional life), family, and friends. growing up i had ample paid and unpaid opportunities to teach, learn, and create. my sister and i were still in school and lived at home with our parents, and i had a tight knit friend group both inside my school and out.
further along down the line of high school, i found romance, and went in and out of dating. this introduces a new leg, a romantic partner. while i definitely think im on the aromantic spectrum, i found that having a partner changes the joy equation. the ceiling for happiness is much higher. relative to what i had before, having a partner gives you that extra 25% extra on top of everything. this is kind of like listening to expensive audio equipment and hearing something you hadn't before in a song you're familiar with, or looking at a high refresh rate monitor or OLED TV. you can't go back. now that you know it CAN get this good, your standards have changed.
being aromantic also does not mean that a partner is totally out of the question. i think for me it manifests as muted enthusiasm. for example, my desire for explicit, exclusive time with a partner, isn't nearly as strong as my friends'. i dont think im odd for feeling this way, but it's definitely something i have to communicate with people beforehand.
it's not difficult to do said things that were traditionally fun. i have so much freedom. i can go out to eat wherever i want, i can spend my time however i want, read any book, watch any lecture, program, thinker with anything. there really isnt much in my way. and despite that, there is no enthusiasm behind it. excuse the morbid picture but it's like trying to get back into painting when your door was blown off its hinges and lying in pieces on the floor. something a little more important is tugging at your attention, lol. a leg that is missing is impeding in me really enjoying what i explored as a kid.
it also feels awkward to distract myself with my hobbies and interests. it's not like facing away from the shrapnel on the floor is going to magically place the door back where it was. i feel like my table legs are more important than things like credit card balances (that can be managed with auto pay) or dirty dishes (which don't harm anyone until you need a dish.)
so when you tell me "find out how to enjoy your own time" recognize that this is exceptionally difficult for me and even if i do force myself into isolation to "enjoy" my own time, it won't be a good use of my time. i really care about spending my time wisely.